Do You Find That Men Are More Hesitant To Consider Mediation, And Prefer To Go Straight For Divorce?
Most men don’t want out of the marriage, so they don’t want to go to mediation. Clearly, this is because they are frightened about many things, being alone, not being able to see their children daily and of course, the finances. But they are also macho, so they don’t want to show that fear. If the husband earns more than the wife does, then he will know that he is going to get hammered for money all over the place. The husband is not going to be able to afford the life he and his wife signed up for when they started a family, and that’s going to make the husband angry, miserable, and frustrated. Everyone wants to be loved. The man gets married, falls in love, has children, and then says to himself, “Why am I not happy?” He does not realize that his wife is not happy in a different way, because she’s wired differently. By the time she gets enough courage to say, “I want a divorce,” he is completely blindsided and doesn’t understand why his wife is asking for this horrible thing. He feels like it is unjust. He thinks his wife doesn’t appreciate him. For all the time he was married, he worked hard and earned enough to survive……..often just barely. But this is not necessarily his fault. The rise of prices has outpaced his rise in earnings. He just doesn’t get it. It’s a gradual deterioration of the relationship and the man doesn’t understand it.
Mediation is very beneficial, if it works. A lot of couples don’t have the respect for each other, the dynamics, or the ability to communicate well enough for mediation to work. This is because in many cases, the wife has at that point passed the point of critical mass; she’s angry, and she wants to hire a gladiator—someone with a big sword to come and stick it up his butt and make him suffer. That’s where the big money in litigated divorces comes from. What is the husband to do?
The husband is basically screwed. Since New York changed the law eleven years ago and is now a no fault state, the wife is entitled to a divorce, and she’s going to get it. Furthermore, if the Husband earns substantially more than the wife, he is likely going to have to pay the majority of her legal fees. In high-net-worth divorces, legal fees could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. No one wants to squander that money by paying a lawyer for something that could be settled for $5,000 or less with a skilled and experienced mediator, and a husband and wife who can open their eyes and understand that the train is on the track (and the wife is typically the engineer driving, because she is the one who wants the divorce), and it’s not going to stop until it arrives at the divorce station.
Mediation is something that should be explored 100 percent of the time before hiring a lawyer. If a man’s wife wants a divorce, then the man needs to convince her that mediation is the right course of action.
I’m a litigating matrimonial lawyer and have over 36 years of experience in the Court system. I currently have active cases, and I get paid a lot of money to handle them. I like how it is now, because I don’t leave my home office, and I never liked going to court anyway. It is a complete waste of money to spend $100,000 on a lawyer when mediation has a chance of being successful. That said, if the man is fighting for custody of the children, then mediation isn’t an option. He will have to hire a good custody lawyer and spend the money to make sure he gets what he is looking for. If that is the case, consider interviewing me as that lawyer. Most men don’t want their kids full time, or out of respect for his wife and children, doesn’t want to take the children away from their mother. However, if mediation is not possible, call me and I will discuss all of your options. If you can be sure to try mediation first.
I’ve been doing this for over 36 years now, and it has taken quite a long time to get mediation into the general public’s eyes. Suffolk County has court-appointed mediators now, and judges encourage the parties involved in litigation to go to mediation. Mediation is not yet mandatory, but I predict that it will be, and I believe that it should be. When issues are handled without lawyers in the room, the results tend to be a lot better.
The man doesn’t want a divorce, and mediation is usually the wife’s idea. When it comes to the 20 percent of calls that I get from men, almost all of the women say that they will go to mediation. Why is that? It is because of the fundamental difference in wiring between men and women; it’s why women want children and security and men want comfort and sex.
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